Golf is a game that requires a great deal of focus and concentration to play well. Below, we offer several “tips” that may (or may not) help to prepare you for your next round.
PLAY FROM THE WHITE TEES
At the beginning of the round, when there is discussion about which tees to play from, our advice to you is to suggest the white or gold tees. Doing so clearly gives you the best chance to go low. To sell the the rest of your group, point out that it seems the “wind has really picked up” or simply observe that, “this is an absolute bear of a course.” Repeat this two or three times and you may get your wish.
CREATIVE USE OF MULLIGANS
When your friends ask you how many mulligans you should play, suggest 20 or so. While they’re laughing, “jokingly” shake on it, and by the time they realize what’s just transpired it’ll be too late. You’re on the green (and they aren’t).
OVERCOMING 1ST TEE JITTERS
Nobody likes teeing it up in front of a large gallery on the first tee. Distract the group behind you by pointing toward the parking lot and yelling in an animated fashion, "There's a dog doing wheelies on a Segway!!!" When the crowd turns to look, calmly hit your tee shot.
BE EVER VIGILANT
Golf is a recreational sport but it is dangerous. There are over 30,000 golf-related emergency room visits per year. While walking down fairways, we advise you perform several deliberate 360 degree turns in order to guard against potential threats and wayward shots.
THE “SWING THOUGHT”
One of our favorite “swing thoughts” is to imagine we’ve already hit our first ball into the woods and that we’re “actually” teeing up our “second” shot. It’s an interesting psychological and physiological “experiment” that has “Pavlovian” roots. Oh, and “it” “rarely” “works”.
ADJUST YOUR LIE
Adjusting your lie is against the rules, but the fact is, doing so does positively correlate with lower golf scores. (This can be a tough call late in a round, especially if you've been playing really well, and even more so if there is a wager on the line.)
STAY FIT
Walking 18 holes can burn as much as 1,400 calories. This means you can drink 6 beers and still be 50 calories to the good! Ranting and raving after every poorly executed shot burns an additional 200 calories. However, such behavior does carry with it the possibility of a life-altering stroke or heart attack.
Better to just Keep it Together.
CLUB SELECTION
If you are between a #7 or an #8, always go down a club and hit the #7 iron. THE MOST SIMPLE TIP YOU WILL EVER RECEIVE.
HANDLING TOUGH 4 FOOTERS
If you have a downhill 4 foot slider for par, position yourself on the opposite side of the green from your ball, next to the people in your foursome, and announce, in a generous and conciliatory fashion, “That’s good.” Before anyone in your party can process what’s happened, stride forward and (this is crucial) scoop up your ball up with the back of your putter and walk confidently off the green.
PICK UP ON THE 16TH HOLE & HEAD FOR THE PARKING LOT
The easiest way to take as many as 15 strokes off your score.
AVOID SELF REFLECTION
If you are like us, when we are playing particularly poorly for a long stretch it is human nature to reflect on your relationship with golf and the vast amount of money you have spent on a game that, apparently, you still have not yet learned how to play. We urge you to avoid these thoughts. Have a beer, walk the dog, but do not allow yourself to go down this path.
CLUBHOUSE MENU
The hot dog is a long-time staple of golf courses. “Hot dogs” sound fine but consider that they are made of animal products called “trimmings,” a purposely vague word. Trimmings come from a bunch of different animals, including turkeys, cows, and pigs. According to the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations, trimmings consist of animal skin, blood, liver, head meat, animal feet, “lower-grade” meat, such as fatty tissues, and “other edible slaughter by-products.”
If the grill has a smoked chicken wrap, or fish tacos, fine. But for God’s sake do not eat a golf course hot dog. Ever.
